Your History Can Kick You In The Ass

Happy New Year to all. It is my fervent prayer that 2010 will be a better year for my family, for this State of Michigan, for our country, indeed, for the world.

We are staying home tonight (this entry was started on the 31st), as is our usual custom. Papa and I have never been "party" people. By this I mean we do not go to parties where the intention is to see just how much one can drink and still be able to walk... or not! We (Papa and I) do not frequent bars either, actually he and I do not drink alcohol at all. This is because he is a recovered alcoholic. He was never diagnosed by a professional as being an alcoholic but he believes himself to be one. He comes from a long line of alcoholics and has perpetuated the family tradition in at least one of our children. Papa and I went to high school together where I knew him only casually. We met up again one day, several months after my first husband was killed in a car accident. I was taking my four year old son ice skating and Papa skated up to me to say hello and remind me who he was. He was at the rink alone, celebrating the one year mark of his sobriety and the cessation of his smoking. He was alone for this very special occasion because all of his friends were drinkers and could not function without a beer and cigarette within reach. Neither I, nor any of my family ever knew him as a smoker or drinker and none of our children ever has either.

Papa hates the fact that he ever was a drinker. Even to this day, 37 years after stopping drinking and smoking, old friends occasionally remind him of something hilarious he did while drunk, that he can not remember. He hates that he was a fool, he regrets the things he did, like smash into strangers cars just for the fun of it, or scaring the hell out of his friends when driving like a maniac, or standing on the seat, hands in the air, on a moving motorcycle. He tells me of times that he spent weeks drunk, where he would get drunk before he went to work then spend several hours after work at a bar drinking, then go home and drink more till he passed out then get up and go to work and start the cycle over again... and again... and again. Papa was an auto worker at the time and this was a common practice among many of the auto workers. He says now you know why cars fall apart... drunks built them. Scary thought!

Some of the stories are very funny and I can not help but laugh at them, but part of the laughter is in wonder that Papa ever acted like that... that is not the man that I know.

Smoking was the same for him. He says that, for him at least, smoking and drinking go together. That is why he had to quit them both at the same time. You might think this would be a very difficult thing to do but he did it cold turkey. Papa does not take credit for this himself... he says "God took it out of me," and considers this his own personal miracle.

I was a smoker too, I loved smoking so much. Then I had this beautiful baby girl who has learning disabilities. Learning everything was so hard for her. She always tested within normal limits but she spent her entire school life in special ed. Thank you God for those teachers who helped my girl. Andi is a grown woman now, married to a wonderful man and step mom to six great kids who we are proud to consider our own. People tell me I should not blame myself for Andi's problems but I know they were caused by my smoking. When we got together Papa nagged me and nagged me to stop smoking. It was almost a deal breaker. I tried to quit many times. I can not even guess at how many packs of cigarettes I bought, smoked one in the car with the windows rolled down to get rid of the smoke, and then threw the rest of the pack away, out the car window, so I wouldn't get caught smoking yet again. Then Papa and I decided we wanted another baby and thinking of Andi finally gave me the right incentive to quit.

Both Papa and I have seen the devestation these habits can cause, close up and personal. My father, a long time smoker, but not a drinker, died at 53 from cardiac arrest... smoking certainly a major contributing factor. My mom, also a non-drinker, was a heavy smoker. She had a beautiful singing voice that she ruined with smoking. She had a chronic cough and chronic bronchitis. I could pick her out of a crowd by following her cough... ask me and I will tell you that story. She died just short of her 63rd birthday from pneumonia and complications of diabetes. My mom died the week of our oldest son's wedding. That was an incredibly difficult time for me, for the entire family. It is not easy to mourn and celebrate at the same time. It makes you feel guilty to be happy. I miss my mom very much and I sure do wish I had her around to help me get through all this mess with Papa.

Papa's mother, 62, a smoker and drinker, died from liver and kidney failure and his dad, 68, a drinker who quit smoking, died from esophageal varicies (varicose veins in the esophagus), a particularily nasty way to die and a common finding in long time drinkers. His extended family was well known in this area for their drinking habits. One of our children has a life ruined by drinking and she is doing her best to ruin her children's lives too.

She was not raised by Papa and me but our other four children were. My two oldest knew me as a smoker but the two youngest did not and as I said before, none of his children ever knew Papa as a smoker or drinker. All our time together we have cautioned our children against smoking and drinking but it did no good. I can not understand this at all. Did they start because of peer pressure? Was it just in rebellion against parental authority? They all are at such high risk for problems caused by these things, and they CHOOSE to do it. Papa and I do not believe that alcoholism is a disease. It is something that is chosen because people make a conscious decision to take that next drink. No one chooses polio, no one chooses multiple sclerosis, no one chooses leukemia. But they do choose the distinct possibility of liver failure, just to name one consequence, by drinking. Same goes for smoking. My daughter and her husband that live with us are both smokers. They think if they go outside to smoke that it will not affect their kids or those around them, but they reek of smoke when they enter the house. It may not affect their kids health, but it will affect them when mama dies young cause she has to light up yet another cigarette.

I know I have ranted and raved here but these things are important. Why? Because the only reasons the doctors have given that Papa has pancreatic cancer is because he once smoked and drank to excess.

At 4pm on New Year's Eve Papa looked at me and said, "it looks like I'm going to make it to 2010 after all."