A little more than a week ago there was a huge fight here, between Papa and live-in daughter. It was a terrible thing to behold, at least for me and Eli it was. Who was at fault? Both parties really, but also maybe no one.
Let me preface this story by stating some facts: #1, we are crammed in this house. There are six people living here, two of them very rambunctious children and then there are the three huge, space-sucking dogs who always seem to be precisely in the way and who all bark at the slightest provocation. We have a storage unit FULL of stuff that has no where to live anymore. Come spring and dry weather, Melanie and I will have the daunting task of sorting through all this stuff and deciding what to do with it. The donation centers are going to love us. Each of us has had to make sacrifices, Papa has to give up space in his beloved garage where his motorcycle is stored and all his wood working tools are located. Ryan has had to give up having his own garage entirely, half of my fabric and quilting supplies are no longer readily accessible to me, Mel has given up her "own" home. This may sound like a non-problem but to me it's big. I want them to be comfortable here. For better or worse this is now their home and it should FEEL like a home to them too. We live TOGETHER as opposed to them living WITH her mom and dad.
Ok... fact #2, Melanie and her husband have both recently stopped smoking. Papa and I are so happy about this, I can not fully express just how happy. They never smoked in the house, that was not a concern. Our concern was their health and that of their children. Ryan used Wellbutrin to help him stop smoking. Melanie tried this too but she had some really bad side effects from the drug and had to stop it, so she is having to stop cold turkey. Have you ever smoked, loved it, and quit cold turkey? I have, it's living hell. Let me say nerves are really on edge.
Fact #3, Mel and Ryan were fighting among themselves. They are very like Papa and I were at the same age... bickering all the time, picking at each other. I can usually see the instigator in an argument but Papa and I NEVER take sides. It would not be fair to either of them to do so. They need to figure their problems out by themselves. So far neither of them has tried to bring Papa or me into an argument but once in a while one of them will look to us for justification. They never get it. So, nerves were already on edge.
On fight day Papa was expecting son-in-law #2 to come over and do some work on his air compressor and his motorcycle, which are located in the garage. When SIL got here all available space in said garage was taken up by a whole lot (at least 10-12 of them) of those huge paper lawn clean-up bags, full of yard waste from when Tammy cleaned the yard in November. When she had finished the job it was past the time when they could be put at curb side and they were stuck in the garage to keep them from getting wet, awaiting spring yard waste collection. No one even remembered that they were there.
Papa, who is still so weak and debilitated from his chemo, exploded when he saw that there was nowhere for Jerry to work and that his garage was in such disarray. His garage is sacrosanct after all (insert sarcasm here) and we should have taken care of those bags. I was napping at the time this all began or his anger would have been directed at me... instead it was focused on Melanie and I got woken up by yelling.
They hurled F-bombs at each other, they swore and cussed, very loudly. Papa called her stupid.. that was the worst for her, the name calling. Papa turned red, Melanie cried. I sat still, holding Mae, and did not interfere. From experience I know that would have made matters much worse. Eli got scared and said..."Papa, why are you making my mom cry? You shouldn't do that".
Melanie packed some things for the kids, took them and left. I thought she would never come back, it had been that bad (Ryan was at work at the time of the fight. Mel went to his mom's house... she was out of town for the weekend).
All night long I fought off panic attacks. I paced the floor in my room... two steps this way, turn, two steps back. I felt sick to my stomach, my heart kept pounding and racing. I kept it to myself though. I did not want to get into an argument with Papa myself. I did some heavy duty praying that night. I prayed for our family, that this would not prove to be a fatal rift. I prayed that Papa and Melanie would be ok within themselves and with each other. I prayed that Melanie and the kids were safe. I prayed they would come back. I missed Mae and Eli so much and realized just how much I love having those babies here with me, even when they drive me crazy.
My praying must have done some good because the next day she and the kids and Ryan came back. Mel and Papa were reserved with each other at first but gradually things got better. I later spoke with her about it. I told Melanie... "you know, your dad has never really shown any anger about his cancer. This over reaction could be a sign of anger about the cancer. You need to give him some slack". She didn't totally buy that though because she remembers the past as well as I do. To Papa I said... "you need to give Melanie some slack. You know things have been really rough for her the last few weeks. And the bags in the garage are not her fault. Everyone forgot". He didn't buy it either.
It's now two weeks later and things have smoothed over. I know there will be other fights, I just hope none of them include cussing and name calling and a lower volume would be nice too. I would like to think that we could all just sit down and discuss things and work out problems that way, and I'm sure that sometimes we will. But I also think it's unrealistic to think it might not happen again the other way. The family dynamics dictate.
The fact remains however, that we all love each other and forgiveness and understanding are qualities that are important to us all. I hope my children have learned that... I lived with bitterness toward a family member for a long time... they were not even aware, I'm sure. All it did was eat me alive while they went on their merry way... till I accepted and forgave. We all know that we have thrown our lot together here, there is really no turning back anymore, financially, logically and at least for me, emotionally. And God knows... I do not want to end up on The Dr. Phil Show.
No comments:
Post a Comment